Coaching Exercise 2

For my first conversation, I chose the roles of follower and opposer to practice. I am mostly comfortable as a bystander and a mover. I usually play the role of bystander, and in that role sometimes I bring information into the conversation that moves it in a new direction, making me a mover. Bystanding is also the best place for me to be able to create humor, which is what I usually like to contribute to a conversation. I find following to be a bit boring and I only oppose when I feel I must because I do not like confrontation, and I’m a little insecure.

            The conversation consisted of about seven students-colleagues in my gender studies class at MIT. We were having drinks at a bar after class. I was nervous about opposing so I chose to follow at first. The two modes I used to follow were hyperbolic humor to validate a point someone else had made or extreme enthusiasm to agree. Regarding the latter, I kept my ear open for things that I found profound or “mind-blowing” so that I could harness my excitement as a follower. This was not that hard because I have had no formal education in feminism or gender studies, so I found much of the conversation to genuinely enlightening.

            I was very nervous to be an opposer for the reason just stated – a lack of knowledge on the topic. I may have cheated here. Instead of bringing up contradictory information or perspectives, I logged as much as I could of what everyone was saying and waited for them to contradict themselves. I was only able to do it once. I’m not sure it’s a helpful way to oppose because it shifts the focus of the conversation from the topic to the speaker. After I made the observation, which was funny, I realized it was my responsibility to immediately move the discussion back to the topic at hand. As a side note, I heard a line in the new Star Wars movie that I have used to oppose in other conversations. The line is, “I find that answer vague and unconvincing.” It has been useful and I plan to keep using it as I try to get better at opposing.

            My second conversation was with my mom. We had a discussion / debate about the legalization of marijuana. I shared with her the model with her in a text picture beforehand. The focus on the model sort of bookended the conversation. It was turning into a very productive discussion, and I wanted to let it go naturally without putting the breaks on too often to analyze which roles we were fulfilling, but I did do a recap at the end and congratulated my mom for being so flexible. We came to the conclusion, together, that decriminalizing recreational marijuana by using a small fine should be done prior to completely legalizing it. I don’t actually agree with this, but it allowed us to end in a great place.

            My third conversation was with my best friend from high school. We discuss politics often, and every time I feel like I’m walking through a minefield, but none have ever gone off. We were having dinner, just us, and he brought up politics in a super inflammatory way. Eventually, BLM came up and I had an impossible time getting things back on track. Statements like “it’s ok to be pro-police and pro-BLM” did not calm him down. He is a state-prosecutor by trade, and five police have been shot in the last year, one in which the shooter mentioned BLM in an angry non-coherent rant. His emotional investment in the issue made it impossible to work with. He left the conversation in a fit. Our friendship was repaired a few days later via text. He is a closet white-supremacist and ammo-sexual, so I’m not sure we’ll ever find common ground. Ideological discussion may prove to heavy for the friendship and require termination.

Coach Entry 1

Laura White and I had a great conversation about coaching that lead into some of our more immediate experiences around conversation. I met as a coach with Laura after meeting with Kate as a coachee, so I tried to feel and understand how the two roles are different. As a coachee, I think that I talked a lot more, using my coach as a sounding board. As a coach, I tried to talk less and speak more in question form, as well as attempting, or hoping, to make anecdotes that were not only confirming of my coachee’s experience, but helpful.

            One thing we talked about was the emotional and cognitive exchange that takes place when a conversation is perceived to be going off the rails, and possible strategies to maintain a productive internal state when that happens. Managing the emotional “tax” of suddenly taking responsibility for the process of the conversation, when often times the content is also at stake, has become a place of possible investigation in later sessions.

This part of the conversation led me to consider that, as a coach, there is a much broader definition of “going off the rails.” Coaching feels like an organic experience that intrinsically values process over content, so I made a note not to get fixated on any one element, or even goal, of a conversation while information exchanges are taking place. I feel that a coachee should be allowed, even encouraged, to jump from rail to rail while they are speaking, and maybe, as a coach, looking for connections, asking about connections, between them could be a way to be helpful.

Coachee Entry 1

My coaching meeting with Kate Mills was fun and productive. We discussed coaching from the perspectives of the coach and coachee, as well as our intentions for our meetings and a few skepticisms we shared, stemming from our previous experiences with the coaching process, or what people called a coaching process.

We also parsed out the differences we perceive between coaching, mentorship and generic leadership. Respectively, coaching is a good tool for CCT 616 because it carries more of a collaborative tone than generic leadership or management, but it doesn't require the social chemistry or emotional investment of long-term mentorship. Of course, there are emotional investments in any collaborative dialogue, but the short-term nature of one semester makes coaching a fun fit and an appropriate dialogue to explore.

Within the context of coaching, we talked about active listening and how each of us conducts it. For me, active listening means staying focused on the speaker and silencing any impulses to respond so that the entirety of the speaker’s message (and context) can be perceived before the mental response process kicks in. Contrary to the lecture, I cannot “check-in” with my own listening while I am listening, as, for me, this distracts from the speaker and is likely to lead me down a cognitive rabbit-hole regarding how well I am listening or can listen. By the time I tune back into the speaker, I may have missed important information, much like how a distraction can make someone miss the first part of a joke, rendering the second part meaningless. Kate can use the personal listening check-in to help refocus herself during the listening process, so it was good to hear that that can work for people. We share a lot of similar perspectives on things, but there is a difference in how we listen, and I look forward to how that contrast plays out in our meetings.

500 Words on Coaching

From the readings this week, I gather that coaching is a dialogue process of collaboration as much as it is leadership. Both the coach and the coachee are working towards the goals of the latter, and it’s important to note that the successes of the coaching dialogue and outcomes are dependent primarily upon the perspective of the coachee. The goal of the coach is the coachee’s well-being, goal-achievement and process, an example of servant-leadership.

            The difference between the coach and coachee is perspective. The coachee sees their situation from the inside, while the coach sees it from the outside. The coach’s situation, as it were, is not that relevant, except in relation to the coachee. Part of the responsibility of the coach is to put themselves inside their coachee’s experience and also show the coachee their own situation from the outside. If these two things happen, then both parties can more effectively “see” the coachee’s situation and discuss it accurately.

            I think the primary role of leadership in a coaching arrangement is that of inspiration. Coaches do not give orders, punish or incentivize. Rather, they encourage the coachee to set their goals, avoid counterproductive actions and thoughts, and realize the incentives for reaching their potential are intrinsic. The context and process of the coaching experience also fall into the leadership aspect of coaching.

            In order to better integrate some of the coaching theory into practice, the following is a list iterating how I will “actionize” the five key processes of coaching given in the lecture.           

Listening:

Don’t just listen. Look for the feelings that spawn what your coachee is saying. Pretend you are saying those things in order to better see your coachee’s perspective. Contrary to the lecture, I am not going to think about whether or not I am listening while I am listening, or “observe” my listening. This feels like a distraction to listening.

Mirroring:

Ask big, obvious questions like “why?” and “what inspired this?” Create analogies to the coachee’s problems and ask how they would advise someone else to handle it. Share my perspective on their perspective and situation.

Summarizing:

Always ask for clarification to make sure communication is working. Listen for key words or words heavy with emotion and circle back to them appropriately. Look for connections in my coachee’s language.

Questioning:

Continually ask questions, and keep asking a question until the coachee addresses the heart of the matter. Encourage the coachee to ask themselves questions.

Catalyzing:

Continually ask for clarification and feedback. Resolve dialogue paths before moving on. Try to set an example in practice, conversation and thought process.

            In summary, I plan to approach coaching with excitement and curiosity, like climbing a tree. That attitude is not difficult for me to maintain, so if I can remember the key processes of coaching and bring them to life in my coaching processes, I’m very sure the experience will be a rewarding success.