Final Coaching Call (as coachee)

Presencing remains the mystical floating island of Dialogue. In Sensing, we throw our grapple hooks up into the sky together, hoping to hook into field four and feel our feet leave the ground, or something like that. My coach and I discussed the differences between Sensing and Presencing and how the latter is so much more difficult to achieve, especially in a corporate environment. There is a corporate application to Dialogue that I was very reluctant to engage with throughout the course. I’m glad that my coach embraced that face of Dialogue so that it could perturb my more spiritual colloquy with the material.

Meditation and mindfulness came up. I shared with my coach that I have been inspired to deconstruct the general term “mindfulness” to account for the differences between various kinds of meditative experiences. Some seem inward while others make the term “inward” or “self” incoherent. The inquiry eventually led us back to the transition between fields three and four. Brought into the conversation was someone I would consider a Dialogue artist, Charles Eisenstein. He has a philosophical and social relationship with Presencing through his Story of Interbeing. It seems that integrating the aspects of sensing and presencing into the range of our understanding, from philosophical to practical, is a practice that makes fields three and four more likely to fill one’s perception across their experience.  

We were both thrilled to have been lucky enough to be in this class.

Final Coaching Call (as coach)

Our last coaching call, my coachee and I agreed that we have found this course transformative. Alone, and understanding of what true Dialogue is can change the way one interacts with others. But that understanding coupled with the tools of the four fields and a new practice of meditation…the real-life benefits of are already so circumambient to our lives, ethereally coalescing, to articulate at the moment. Neither one of us expected the course to be so important.

We talked a lot about our final papers, mine more practical and my coachee’s more theoretical, and the connections between them. Time and the perception of time were explored. The coaching call where we reached generative dialogue was a fun memory. My coachee and I both saw Dialogue as something to incorporate into our personal lives as soon as we started to “understand” it, and we talked about that as well. Empathic listening, we discussed, is incredibly powerful with social and personal applications as powerful and far reaching as those of fully realized Dialogue itself. Empathic listening could possibly be its own CCT course.

Overall, we could not overstate how fun and healthy for our minds this class has been. We were both very glad to have taken it and been assigned together as a coaching team. We’ll be keeping in touch.

Coaching 6, Part 2, Refection on empathic listening in general

I'm trying very hard to focus on empathic listening. I think that the best way for me to do this is to "inspect" the things people say to me...to try to look at them from behind. What's behind the words? Regarding the facilitator disciplines, I think empathic listening might require intention. Not intention as in the intention to listen empathically, but an intention to communicate something to whoever I'm conversing with. To listen for how the words of another display that person's attitude, in the positional sense, towards what I'm trying to communicate creates a very nuanced and sensitive space to gather information from. An intention, or a clear question in my mind helps me listen empathically.

I have gotten much more comfortable with slowing things down when I speak. Sometimes I still get excited and begin to sprint towards what I see is an good sentence (or punchline), but I am catching myself more and more often. Being comfortable with slow pacing also helps with empathic listening, and gives me time to synthesize what I'm hearing while I formulate a response.

Coaching 6, Part 1, Coachee

My coach and I discussed the empathic listening exercise we engaged in this week. I chose to have a discussion with my mom, who I am only able to have good discussions with because I intentionally keep the subject matter away from certain topics, mainly religion and politics. I decided to explore option 1 of the coaching assignments and talk to my mom using empathic listening. Alongside our good and functional relationship, I view her as highly judgmental and have subconsciously used that as justification to judge her. This made her a good partner for empathic listening.

I knew that in order to get beyond the minutia of regular small talk I would need to listen for an opportunity. Eventually, an opportunity did arise that I did not facilitate in any way, but I was able to catch it. I used it to gently test the waters of a conversation about religion. My experience in 616 so far has shown me that I need to know where someone else is before I can meet them for possible phase III / IV dialogue. I continued to listen empathically, and when I spoke it felt like I was stepping just behind her and giving her a gentle nudge forward. I took empathic listening, I think, to know where to orient myself for that nudge. I'd be kidding myself if I didn't admit to using some misdirection as well. The conversation when well for being one that tested the borders of topics we usually don't discuss.

My coach was happy to hear that I am trying to be more of my genuine self around my mom. My mom has come up a lot in our conversations, and my coach reminded me of things I have said in the past that belied even the slight progress that has been made. Without her assessment I probably would not have realized how far I have come in conversing authentically with my mom. I feel now that there is a whole new place to explore, and I think I'll start by reassessing how I charge the container when my mom and I begin to converse.

Coaching 5, Post 2, Coachee

I shared most of my stream of consciousness writing with my coach this week. She said that she felt like I really shared a lot of myself, and we agreed that was good for our communication and coaching relationship. We discussed the things our stream of consciousness writings had in common, which led to a fun discussion about the ways we are perceiving this class. Personal growth is an experience we are both having in this course, to include mindfulness and deliberation in our thinking, speaking and acting. We also concluded that the course should end on on top of a mountain during sunrise.

Here are some parts of my stream of consciousness writing.

My highest future potential self helps others be their highest future potential selves. I want to turn down the volume on other people’s problems or make them help them see how capable they are and that they can just be themselves without any boundaries. I am obsessed with new experiences and sensory inputs. This is person, I am a person, my future person is a person who makes people happy with themselves, not necessarily happy with me but happy with their own being in their own situation. Maybe I help them achieve something great but I don’t know about that. More I just want people to like themselves enough to want ot help other people like themselves. Ultimately it’s selfish I suppose because I just want people to be nice to me and people are nicer when they are more fully realized. I want people to see a world where anyone can be anything. I want people to see that we are a species meant to live lives of hobbies and passions, for these are the things that matter BECAUSE THEY MATTER TO US. No one has to tell us to do the things we enjoy, yet so many people are kept from doing the things they enjoy by circumstance. I am at alignment with this version of myself when I perform and people laugh. When someone thanks me for doing something I would have done anyway I feel very good about myself because I know I am helping. The validation is nice, but knowing that I helped someone be a better person is the real meat of why I like to hear what people think about what I do. I want to help someone love themself. That’s what I want. I want to show people what is beautiful about them so they can love themself. I have been told that I, sometimes to a fault, see only the best in people, or see them how they see themselves. This is acutally very intentional on my part for two reasons. First, I want to affirm other people’s positive and healthy perceptions of themselves so thay they like themselves. Second, I want to fill my reality with awesome people. If people are not hurting me or actively making my experience painful, what is the harm in seeing them as only the best versions of themselves? It’s quite fun actually. I suppose I want to create art that helps people empathize. That’s quite a ways away from helping people love themselves, but not really. I want to inspire people to put their personalities and physiologies out into the world. I want us all to “plug in” to each other and experience our personalities and physiologies fully. I want people to feel, but not in a selfish sense. I want to connect the kind of emotions that come from art TO THE REAL WORLD. I want to turn on people’s empathy. I want to use VR to promote empathy and theory of mind. 

Coaching 5, Post 1, Coach

My coachee's post nature walk stream of conscious writing had many of the same elements as mine. Ideas and intentions ranged from theoretical and metaphysical quandaries to very concrete visions of potential futures. We both found it fun when ephemeral talk of the creative self would circle around and into a very specific future action or vision of our reality. We both experienced genuine clarity throughout the exercise.

My coachee and I have come to a conclusion about using Dialogue in our real lives. Many of our conversations revolve around personal relationships, though professional interactions also come up. I think personal relationships stay in our focus because those relationships are made up of the individuals more permanently in our lives. Because of that, we seek to connect, through Dialogue, with them more passionately than we desire to see change in those we interact with professionally. My coachee and I share this perception, and probably have similar ratios of personal / professional life investment.

When trying to move into Generative Dialogue with people in our lives, we have realized that we have to listen to them to see where they are and meet them their. This seems like obvious "week 2" stuff in Dialogue, but when interaction happens with someone who is very, very, very, very far way from us in terms of Dialogue, it can seem almost too ridiculous for reality to consider how far from us (people with Dialogue) the space for Generative Dialogue is. The size of the gap feels like "week 12" stuff. It is many "miles" across a chasm, and the best thing that can be hoped for - in a single series of interactions - is moving that Generative space a few inches towards the middle. This realization is a beautiful tragedy...making engagement in Dialogue as much of a responsibility as it is a pleasant virtue.

Coaching 3 - Meditation and Awareness

Tuesday: Body

            Looking back, after doing mindfulness meditation, I realize that my body experience was informative, but no necessarily in the way intended. As a warm-up I think it was still effective though. I was very aware of the way everything touched, and I tried to make texture my primary information source outside of the ever-dominating sight. For some reason I interpreted “body” as “skin, muscle and bone.” I did not take notice of my other senses the way I focused on touch. The lined fake leather of my steering wheel, the difference in temperature between fingers when holding an iced drink – I noticed I grind my teeth sometimes for comfort. The pressure feels good. I was much more touchy with my environment as well, allowing my forearms to rest on pieces of gym equipment at work, touching my clients a bit more often than usual, pushing my leg up against a tree to feel bark against my skin. Overall I became more aware of my environment and more free in pursuing a tactile experience, but I did not notice myself noticing these things, I just noticed them. I’m excited to isolate other senses besides sight in the days to come. I suspect that paying attention to the senses in isolation will add up to paying attention to the whole body. I meditated for the first time in over a decade on Tuesday night and it created about 3hrs of profound experience, directly applicable to the class I think.

Wednesday: Breath

            Wednesday was a study day and I only left my apartment to go to class. Sitting at my desk for most of the day, I periodically would notice my breathing, forget about it, and notice it again. It reminded me of trying to maintain good posture while typing. The mindfulness youtube video that I have become enamored with also mentioned breath, but was unique in that it put breath on an even plane with the other senses regarding isolation and awareness. Even sight was addressed in this particular video. I think I had my first “notice what I’m noticing” moment when I switched from my breath to my hearing. I am naturally attuned to hear music and investigate what I like when I’m watching tv or a movie, in a grocery store or mall, anywhere really. It’s how I find new music. Shazaam. Because I do this already, when I tuned into my hearing, I noticed that I was doing it, and a light came on. I felt like my meditative experience from the night before and my daily experience found something in common with each other. I also noticed that I primarily breath through my nose. I intend to make note that this is not something other people can hear, because I've always found that gross when others do it. 

Thursday: Emotions

            Noticing my emotions on Thursday was very difficult. Rather than the mindful experience I have had lately that seems to prod me to continually step back from my thoughts and emotions, the best I was able to accomplish were various realizations that my emotions were dominating my experience. In some cases, they even briefly controlled my behavior. Someone that works for me let me down in a professional experiment at work. I found out about this just after being informed that my work day was going to end at 6pm, rather than the 2pm I had been anticipating.  I was managing the negativity of the unexpected long day fairly well, but when I got the text informing me that my employee had screwed up, and was unwilling to own up to it on top of that, things did not go well. When I called her, I managed to pull of a quick disclaimer before asking some very pointed questions about her preparation and performance.  After we got off the phone I called her back and apologized for being so upset and laid out a few very specific steps we are going to take together in order to help her performance. I did realize in the moment that predictions I was making about her intent and motivation were based completely on conjecture. I learned a lot monitoring my emotions but it was through a crisis experience.

Friday: Thoughts

            When I read this exercise, I assumed that stepping back from thoughts would be easier than stepping back from emotions. Emotions seem so much more powerful, and I think that is why they are actually easier to observe. Thoughts are so frequent and so often happen without any real consequence that it’s pretty hard to notice them unless you are meditating. I did have a helpful combination of emotional and thought awareness that led to a good decision. I was booked on a  comedy show that no one showed up to. By no one I mean two audience members showed up. Six comedians were present, a host and five performers. Without getting into the hows and whys, I realized that the booker was not going to make sure the comedians weren’t gong to hold the two audience members hostage for a show that was going to go on way too long. The show started at 8pm, and by 9pm only 2 comedians had performed. Any hope I had of getting anything productive out of the experience was gone. There was no energy left in the room and the host came back on stage to masturbate in front of the two audience members, completely disrespecting their politeness in hanging out while comics interviewed them and made inside jokes. I noticed my thoughts first, as I was imagining telling the booker to get control of the show and shorten it significantly. This was a non-functional idea, and then I noticed it was coming from an emotion of anger and disappointment. I sat back from the emotions and thoughts and calmly informed the booker and a few of the comics that I had to leave.